I’m exhausted, but let me explain. I’m not physically tired, but I’m mentally and emotionally worn out.
Today was the last full day of school before the Thanksgiving break for Alex. I woke the kids up the this morning, got my daughter dressed. The second I went to get Alex dressed, all hell broke loose.
Jaz had found that one of her coloring books that had a small dent on the cover. I’m talking minuscule, but the size doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that to her, it’s ruined. She immediately went to the door and holding it to the door because that’s her way of telling me that she wants a new one. Now.
Now, because she’s whining and yelling, Alex has shut himself away in my bedroom closet, hitting himself and screaming, as a way to drown her out. I can’t let him do that, so I have to go to him and try to get him to stop, without getting injured myself. Needless to say, school is out. If scientists could work on that cloning thing, that’d be great.
In order to gain any semblance of calm, I had to remove the book from her sight and hide it so she could focus on something else. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still going to the door and saying ‘Later,’ every 5 seconds, in case I’ve forgotten somehow, but at least she is no longer whining. Alex is still in the closet, but no longer hitting himself. Me? I’m exhausted.
This disorder is exhausting. I don’t think it needs to be said, but I’m going to say it anyway. I love my kids. Of course I do. I hate this disorder; this disability. It has my young adults trapped forever as 3 year olds. They will get physically older, physically bigger, but they will never mature mentally. I should be able to enjoy my 40s. I should be able to work. I should be able to have date nights with my husband. I don’t get to have any of those things because I’m expected to keep the kids with me until I die.
Don’t misunderstand me. I understand that parenting requires a huge sacrifice. Parents of neurotypical children are done having to be home all the time when their kids are teens. My children are 20, and there’s no end in sight for me. I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much, and the thing is, Autism doesn’t care in the slightest. I wish it did.
#autism #autistickids #realtalk #parenting
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